At the End... At the Beginning...

Today is the day. My surgery day. I was a little nervous I wouldn't sleep that good - but I did. I am still a little tired - but that's normal. I am in good spirits as I was around family last night. I think that helped a lot. It made me be at ease. I think I am a little nervous about the surgery - just hoping it goes good. But I am ready for it to be over so I can recover. I can't believe I did it - 14 days of the liver reduction diet - 5 months of preparing for this - and now it's here. It doesn't really seem real. Maybe when I wake up in the recovery room 0r when I am actually at the hospital. This is it!

24 to 48 Hours

I have less then 24 hours to fill up on my shakes and sugar free goodies... then its water until midnight - then nothing until surgery. In 48 hours - I will have changed my life and the way I eat forever. That word forever scares me a little. But I think its good. In order to have the life I want, I need to change the way I eat. Doing this surgery will force me to do that. Looking back over the last several years, I never thought I would be at this stage of my life - preparing for weight loss surgery. I always thought that I didn't need the help... but throughout my life - I have learned - it's ok to ask for help. I am very proud of myself. I never knew how hard not eating my favorite foods would be. But when it comes down to it - I did it!

On the Path

I had my final doctor's appointment yesterday and got cleared for surgery. I have made a good milestone so far too. I have lost 25 pounds in less then 4 months. I am on the path to keep going and thinking this is going to be positive for me. I am really sick of drinking my meals for sure. I can't wait to eat something crunchy. I don't even care what it is. However, I have about 5 more weeks until that day will come. However, I can keep going because once the surgery is over I will be able to eat other foods then just these protein shakes. Week 3 I will be able to have some mashed potatoes and baked fish! I am actually really excited about that!

I am learning in making deposits into my life. I have to think about me and what I want in my life. I feel like I am on a path to do better. Attempts are good - but the follow through is better. Honesty and communication are key in any relationship and respecting one's thoughts and time is good. Don't try and do it all at once - working together is key.

Homework?!

And so it starts... homework. I am taking a 3 day workshop to help me with the online portion of the master's degree I am going to begin. It's been a little while since I had homework - and actually had to care about it. I feel really good about because it is giving me a sense of happiness I guess. The feeling is hard to explain - but I know I am not the only one out there starting a Master's degree after being away from college for years. I know - its more common now - but I don't know a lot of people who have their master's so its kinda new for me.

Several times today I looked at the clock and said - in a week from now I will be a totally different person. Kinda scary - but exciting. I think I am now to the point of lets just get this thing done! I am ready to be on the road to recovery. I am doing really good on my eating - at least I believe I am. I get my 3 shakes in - and that's about it. Don't really feel much like eating! For once in my life I can finally feel like a non-fat person. Again, hard to explain - but even though I am still over weight, that thought of who cares about food is here. Prior to doing the LRD everything was FOOD! Who, what, where is the food. First thing and last thing of the day. Now - its going to be different and I couldn't be more excited!

On My Way...

Half way and I am doing much better. Don't get me wrong - I still want that left over pasta and sauce, and that cheese in the fridge - but I can tell you I am changing. I have been headache free for 4 days and counting. I have been drinking my shakes but haven't been wanting to eat anything else. At least I think my stomach is shrinking. I need to drink more water - and I will get there. I am just glad that things are getting easier - however, I am ready for day 14 to come.

I got accepted to a master's program - so I am on my way. I feel like since I am changing my body - I need to help my mind. I feel this will give me several benefits. 1 - it gives me something to do. 2 - it will hopefully increase my knowledge and increase my chances to advance my career. Instead of being bored and looking for something to eat - i will be reading and writing papers! Am I ready for this? Still think I am a little crazy.

More Changes

Have I passed the hump? Can I actually do this? So far no hunger headache today. And I am actually not that hungry. But then I think I still have 10 days left. I am thinking next week will be a good test.

I still don't know why - however all I seem to watch on tv right now has to do with food. Really? I was able to stay out of the kitchen yesterday and today - but it doesn't mean I wasn't hovering over Eric looking at every bite he took! Ok - leave it alone Becky! Your doing good! I just hope this isn't a waste. I would really hate to go in next week and have Dr. C tell me - sorry your liver never reduced - and I can't do it! Not likely going to happen - I just don't want these two weeks to be a waste! Because even those raw veggies smell good!

So I think I might be a little crazy. For years I have thought about going back to school - and now I think I am going to get my master's. I thought this might be a good challenge for myself. Finances have always interested me - and I couldn't ever get into what I wanted because I didn't have the background - but now with my masters, this might give me that chance.

I am coming up in a couple of weeks on my 29th birthday. So that is making me think. I am starting this change in my body - now I am starting the process to change my mind. I am hoping this will mean good things for me. Year 29 will be more life changing then ever!

Hunger Pains

Day 2 of the LRD (Liver Reduction Diet). Day 1 wasn't bad - Day 2 - a little harder. The cravings are still there, and sitting in a room with my co-workers watching them eat doesn't help right now. Especially when all I hear is - "oh... you can't eat?" Of course I can eat - I would die if I didn't - but this is my choice - so when I leave the room while you chow down on your fries and burgers - please don't get upset. I will come back - in a couple months!

I am hoping tomorrow might be a little better. This hunger headach is really making me sick. But I just keep going. Someone said to me today - you could just sleep it away. Maybe there will be lots of early nights ahead of me. But I am found, even just after 2 days - when I get home I have loads of energy. I think I am just trying to keep active and not think about FOOD! But its funny - I am spending more time in the kitchen right now then I had when I could eat whatever I wanted. Why am I surrounding myself with things I know I can't have? I will have to think a little more about that one - I think it might have little deeper meaning.

All Liquids... no solids....

Day 1 of the Liver Reduction diet. So far... its ok. But I think 2 weeks of this will be way too long. But I don't have a choice. So I am going to make the most of it. No going to the grocery store until this is over! I think its a good test for the mind. For a lot of my life I have surrounded myself with food. But now - I am going to get a new hobby... actually going to live life! Go figure.

Haven't done that bad today - 3 shakes, 1 pudding cup (sugar free of course!), and 1/2 cup of jello! Gotta get my water intake in more. Slacking on that. And I will top today off with a lovely sugar free popcicle! We will see how I do tomorrow.

One of my goals for this surgery weight loss thingy... get back on my skates and show you all how it's really done! Not only to be healthy - but to finish what I started almost 20 years ago!

Pain

Is it something I ate... is it stress... am i stressing about stress... am i worrying too much. Off today because my stomach is in knots - or something. I haven't felt this way since I had my gall bladder attack. Hopefully it will run its course... soon!

I have no energy right now - most likely because i haven't been able to eat anything in 2 days! So much for eating everything I want before I start my liver reduction diet for the surgery. Could it be a sign!

Sugar Overload

Ok, so the idea to just gorge myself before I make a life changing choice wasn't the smartest idea. Not feeling the greatest after a hugh thing of mint chip ice cream. To celebrate summer we go to the ice cream shop (one of my favorite things of summer) and I get a sugar overload.

Taking a little bit easier today. I have no energy right now - drinking my water and finally thought I would try and eat a little something. Hopefully the banana will help. Home alone for the next couple hours. Probably going to try and get a little bit of a nap in while the kids are away.

On a different note - fans make a world of difference. So thinking we have a/c in the house turns out to be a bust and we couldn't take it anymore. Went and got 2 fans... and for the first time since we have been here - we actually got a breeze going through the house. I know - that's the highlight of the day.

Baby Steps

I am learning to find myself. I am taking the steps to work on being Becky again. I was told it's time to be a little selfish now... so I am taking the baby steps towards it.

4 Days left to eat whatever I want until I make a major life change. I have been pretty quiet about the surgery I am going under, but I feel I can be honest here. I am scared, but I know this is something I want to do now. It will change my life - and I hope those who love me will continue to stand by me.