Balancing Life

My sweet baby Ava is now 11 weeks old! How the time goes. I will probably always say that because we all grow up so fast - that our parents even look at us and say - where did the time go. I am still in aww... and at times I look at her and can't believe I created her and she is in my life. As I was growing up, all I wanted to be was a mommy, and now I have my Ava. Everything in my life has changed since she was born. I want her to have the world and make sure she knows everything she can. She has a blank slate and she has so many ways she can go.

I go back to work in a little over a week. I am sad to go back. I like my job - mainly because it pays the bills, but I want to stay with Ava. I love being home and taking care of the house and watching her do cute things. Once I go back to work - I will have less time with her, but the time I will have will be much more special. Maybe once I go back to work, my feelings will change. However, I still dream of opening my own bakery one day - maybe one day when I get back on track.

School is school - can't wait till it ends. I think that has to do with the fact that the time it takes me to do school work I rather be with Ava. She is my life - and I just want to hold her always!

Ava did really well with her shots. She cried when they went in - but after a big hug from mommy, she was ok. She never got sick and didn't sleep extra that day. Hopefully they worked! I was a little sad when I watched the needle go into her legs - but I know when she realizes what is going on - I will be strong. I just don't like seeing her in pain, and crying. I want to make everything all better.

So, my weight. I didn't gain that much with Ava during the pregnancy. A lot of people where nervous about me putting on extra weight and going back to what I was before Ava. I gained 14 pounds with her. I lost 12 while I was in the hospital, then lost another 8 at home quickly. Since then I have been steady at my current weight. I need to get back in the mode of excerise. I do have to say - picking up Ava does give me a weight work out! 11 pounds at her last appointment. She really can eat!

8 weeks!

My baby turns 8 weeks tomorrow! I can't believe how the time is flying. She changes everyday. Her neck is getting stronger, and she is becoming her own. She can now pick her head up and hold it for a few more seconds every day. She has such cute facial looks and is just so precious. She was at her cousin's 2nd birthday party a couple of days ago - and she was so good. She was calm and let anyone hold her. She met her cousin Makayla (8 months old) and Makayla gave her a big kiss. She met more of her extended family.

School is going well. Got 1 week down, 5 more to go. But that just means that I have to go back to work. I am going to have a hard time once I go back. Being with her at all hours of the day and only not being with her for at most 4 hours, then going to not be with her for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week - its just going to be hard. I would love to stay home with her all day - but right now, just can't do that.

Next week Ava gets her shots. Wondering how she will do with that. Nervous, but I know it will be ok. We will get through it. It's hard to see her cry when she is tired - so when I know she is in a little bit of pain, it will be tough. But I will be there and let her know it will be ok.

I can't get over how much I love her and how much she has changed me.

Back to reality!

Ava is getting so big! She is getting her own little personality and I just love her so much. She had a very low key first halloween. Being only 6 weeks and all - couldn't take her out trick or treating. But I dressed her up in a little black kitty outfit and got her a pumpkin. Took some pictures and that was her halloween. She did get out with her cousins to do some fall activities - well - she was just pushed around while they played in the hay!

It's getting to that point where I am getting back to reality. School started back up for me. I have three classes left for the main portion of my MBA and then 5 classes in HR. I will be happy when it's over, but glad to be back in a way to have something that I have to do. Its a good work up to work. At least I can do school and still be at home with Ava.

Not being able to see her for any period at a time is so heart breaking to me. She means the world to me and I will do anything to protect her and let her know that her mommy loves her so much. She means everything to me. She has changed my life for the better!

I am feeling rather well for just giving birth 6 weeks ago. Ava is getting to some points where she goes several hours at a time. I do feel I am getting a little more sleep - but she is not on a regular schedule - but she can go 5 hours at a time at night. However, lately she has been really stuffing so her breathing is a bit loud!

In two weeks she gets her first set of shots. A little nervous about it - because I know she will cry. But I will hold her and love her and let her know I am there!

Going strong at 1 month!

Ava had her 1 month appointment today! The time is going way to fast! But she is doing so well. As much as I wanted to do the breastfeeding, the formula has been really good for her. She seems so much more at ease and it's much easier on me that I don't have to be her only supplier of food. This way others can help!

All her growth is on target. She is just a perfect little baby. She now weights 8lbs 5 oz. She is now 20.5 inches long. Her head was growing well. I do have to say I could tell her head was growing because its getting much heavier. But she is starting to get some strength in her head and neck and is lifting it more.

She has the cutest faces all the time. I just stare at her and can't get enough of her. There are days I have just so tired and it gets hard, but I just look at her and its all worth it. I have noticed that she gets cranky when she hasn't pooped in a couple of days - which I would be cranky too! But then if you just hold her and just be patient - then she will go - and she will be much better!

I couldn't ask for a better baby. She is so good and when she is upset she is calmed very easy. She is getting more into a routine where at night she really does stick to the 3 hours. Sometimes during the day when she is up she will eat more. I was worried about that before but talking to the doctor - I feel better because its normal and she is gaining on target.

I am doing well. Like I said - I get a little tired and have gotten a little frustrated and felt like I wasn't a good mom. But I think that was the lack of sleep talking. I have been able to lose all the weight I gained plus some. So once I get cleared to exercise I look forward to getting back and losing more and toning. I am pretty happy with how I look, just want to tone more then lose.

Next month Ava will get her shots. Not looking forward to that as I think she will cry, but it's most needed. So we will see!

2 Weeks - Going to Fast!

It has been 2 weeks since my daughter came into my life. My life has changed and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even though I am exhausted and like my sleep and I am not getting as much as I did before, I am ok with that. She is worth the late nights, early mornings, the crying and fussiness. She is the most adorable person in the world - to me!

We have been working through the feedings. We tried breastfeeding, but that didn't work. Then we went to a non cow lik base formula, and that gave her so much gas and spit up and choking fits that scared me to death. Then after two choking fits in 4 hours, I decided to try something else. So we went to a cow milk based for gassy and fussiness. That has seemed to be much better. She hasn't had a choking fit since we switched her over. We are increasing her amount and she is gaining weight. I can see it in her face. She has her fussiness moments - like any child.

We are working on knowing her schedule and she is working on figuring out what life is. She does good in the morning and afternoon hours. She seems to be up during the night hours into the midnight hours. But once she calms down - she sleeps a good 4 hours. We are still working on getting her to sleep in the bassinet. She tends to sleep on mommy right now - but we are going to keep trying the bassinet so we all can have good sleeps!

I am very lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. She has the funniest faces and the most adorable noises. I could just eat her up!

Getting it Together

It has been just over a week since Ava was born. I am loving every minute I get to spend with her. It is very hard for me to be away from her, even if I am just going to bed. I love looking at her and watching her faces. She is the most beautiful girl in the world. I know I am her mother and all mother says things like that - but this one is true. She is the most precious baby girl!

We are getting into our groove. To me, the daytime is much easier then the night time. The last couple of days we have a routine down. We get up by 8am and we change her diaper, get fed, and go back to sleep. Then we do it again 2-3 hours later. She is now telling me when she is hungry by waking up. I might have to wake her up once or twice - but other then that she wakes up on her own and says - mommy feed me!

We tried breastfeeding but that didn't work. It wasn't that she wasn't doing it, it was my body wasn't giving her enough nutrients to satisfy her. I think it has to do with my surgery and the way I digest foods. She lost 11% of her weight from coming home to her first doctor's appointment, so that really scared me. We introduced formula, and breastfeeding, but it was just not enough. Since we have gone straight to formula, she seems much more relaxed and happier.

Once we can get the night routine down, I think we will be doing good. I have been able to get a little more sleep each night, but I still take naps during the day. I have a hard time putting her in the bassinet. I think she would be ok, but I am not ok, so she ends up sleeping on me. Probably not a good idea, but we will get there. She is only 9 days old!

Ava!

Ava is finally here. And I am in love. She is the most beautiful baby! She was born September 15th and I couldn't wait for her to come.

Once I got to the hospital I just wanted her here. Things couldn't happen fast enough for me. We waited 5 hours before they started the inducing process. Then we had to wait 12 hours before the gave me the inducing drugs. Then I had to wait 3.5 hours for the pain meds. Then just 1 more hour for Ava!

The painful part of labor I would say really only lasted 3 hours. Once she was ready to come out - it happend so fast for me. I only remember having to push through 3 - maybe 4 contractions. I think I really only pushed for about 10 - 15 minutes. Then she was here!

My life has changed already and she is only 5 days old. I can't believe she is here and 5 days have already gone by. It's already going to fast for me. I can't bear to not be around her. I hate going to sleep if she isn't next to me. I don't really sleep right now because I just want to make sure she is ok. Because she can't tell me - how will I know.

I am learning different things about being a mom. You will do anything for your child. You don't know what it is like until you hold your child in your arms and they look at you. The bond begins. I love her! I can't say it enough.

Ava is my sweet dream. She is everything I ever wanted in a daughter! It is such an indescribable feeling. I am in LOVE!

Last 48 hours...

I am in my last 48 hours. On Wednesday, September 14 at 5pm - I will be going to the hospital to start the process of having Ava! The way I have been feeling and from what the doctor has told me - I have a feeling she will arrive on Thursday September 15th! That will be my prediction!

So - am I ready - sure! Do I have a choice, nope! I spent the last 9 months planning and organizing and thinking and doing. And now - the time has come. My daughter will be here in the next 72 hours. I spent the weekend doing last minute things and making sure the house is in order. For the most part - I don't think there is anything else I can do.

My daughter - words that bring tears to my eyes. I am going to be a mom. So many thoughts, so many ideas. Just relax! That is what she needs me to do!

Just breathe!

Countdown...

11 Days and counting. She is moving more the last couple of days - making me think she is getting ready for her arrival. It's hard to know that I don't have any control on when she will come - but I am leaving it up to God. Only God knows when she will bless our family.

Now that I am done with school for a little bit I have been able to rest and relax more. I have been sleeping a little more and doing little things around the house to make sure everything is ready. Trying to keep it clean and well picked up so when she comes I can just be mom.

I have never seen my mom more excited. She has her GPS programed for the hospital and is ready for the call. It's really great to see that she is excited and ready to be a grandmother again!

I have spent 9 months getting ready for this moment - and the moment is about to arrive and I am scared. All I want to do is be a good mom, protect her and guide her. I have loved her from the moment I knew I was carrying her. Every day I love her more and more! I now know how others feel with their kids. It's such an amazing experience.

So - 11 days to go - plus or minus some. Then my life will change forever. Ready or not!

Loved and Blessed

I don't know when she will arrive. How she will look and how she will act. But I do know that I love her and I will do my best to raise her right. I have lots of hopes and dreams for my child and all I can do is love her and show her that anything is possible.

I know all I want to do is protect her - but she will get hurt. But that's all part of life. Getting hurt, learning and moving forward from that hurt. We will all be there for her and love her and show her the way. What she does with it, that is up to her.

I am scared. I am excited. I am already tired! But I know if I wasn't ready for this chapter in my life, then it wouldn't have happend. There are reasons why I am with Eric. There are reasons why Ava is our daughter. There are reasons why now. I don't know all the reasons, but God does. And that is all that matters.

We are down to single weeks, or double digit days to her arrival. I just hope I did good to bring her into the world. From the moment I knew I was pregnant I was scared to think that she wouldn't grow well or she would be missing some key element because of my surgery. However, from what we can gather from the last appointment - she has been growing well. She has been on target!

I am trying to figure out her schedule in my belly. But I can't. Right now I know that between the hours of 9pm-11pm is her prime up time. During the work day she is up and about. On the weekends she is sluggish like her mom! I know things will change when she is welcomed to the world. It's just fun to try and figure it out.

I can't wait for her to meet her family that has loved her from day 1. She isn't even born yet, and there are so many people praying for her and who love her. I have never felt so blessed.

Getting Bigger! Getting Ready! Oy!

I have a 5 pound baby in me right now! I can't believe how she has been growing. It is so true that the last trimester has the fastest growth time. I feel really small compared to some other moms to be, but that is ok. I am my own person and I know that my baby girl is going to be ok. Got new pictures yesterday. Because how she is positioned I got pictures of her head. She is on target for growth at 34 weeks. 5 pounds and in the right position to be delivered. Kind of freaked me out a little now that I know she is with head down. But I was told that is normal and she will be like that until she is born.

She is moving all around and is getting into a routine. She is more of a night baby I believe - but does have her moments during the day.

The house is getting in order. Working on organizing things and making sure I have everything for her arrival. The crib is in progress of getting up - so I know it will be together by the time she gets here. I can't wait to see it all put together.

I am nervous and hope that I will be a good mother. I don't know what to expect. You can read every book but it isn't real until the baby comes. Then the work begins.

Gain another 2 pounds in 2 weeks. I believe I have gained a total of 11-12 pounds - and to think, 5 of that right now is her - kinda makes me happy. I have known others to gain 30-40 pounds. I am glad I am not there.

5-6 weeks to go - it's almost time!

Getting There...

The joy a new life brings you is so overwhelming. Every moment I think of her I just smile and hope that I will be a good mom to her. I have this fear that I am going to be way over protective of her. I just love her to death I don't want anything bad to happen. I now know how our parents always felt. They only want the best for us - and that's what I want for Ava. When we made bad choices, our parents hearts sank - I know that feeling now and Ava isn't out of my stomach yet! I guess that's what getting ready to be being a parent is all about.

Things are coming along. I got all her clothes washed, and her blankets washed. Most of her things are put away to where they are going to be right now. Got the crib in the house - just waiting for Ava's father to put it up!! I can't wait to see it. I think it will really hit me then. Seeing the crib with the bedding and her clothes ready for her. All we will need is her!

I don't know how my mom did it. Giving birth to me in July! Being pregnant in 90+ heat is not fun! Luckily there are places (like work...yuck) that have air conditioning. I saw - try to enjoy what you can with the heat because come a couple months we will stuck in the cold nasty weather for 10 months! The best part of being pregnant in the summer is I get to wear my cute summer dresses that really show my stomach! That's kinda fun!

So more cleaning and organizing things to come. Waiting for the second baby shower so I can plan on what more I need to get for Ava. I know I will be missing something, but what I can get before she arrives will be nice. The great thing right now is though, is if she came today - we would only need to get the car seat. Well... Eric would have to put that crib together too!

Flips and Kicks!

More movement from the belly! I don't think Ava likes it when I am on the computer, at least when it rubs up against my stomach. I think she kicks it away! Very cute. She is moving like crazy - doing flips and kicks all the time. I smile everytime she does it. My stomach is getting a little bigger each day - gained some more weight - I think my total is up to 9 pounds now. Hoping that 3-4 is her!

So all my doctor care got moved around. I am no longer seeing my regular OB/GYN and now seeing the doctor's straight at the hospital. Because of the surgery my doctor wants to make sure things are ok and due to the fact I have had issues in April and recently with the side pain, she feels more comfortable to do that. So my mid-july sonogram picture got cancelled. I only hope that at my hospital visit I will get one. I see some people at work and on facebook talking about their pictures and visits and they are due after me. I feel like I am not getting the right treatment. I just want a picutre of my baby!

I had a great Birthday/Babyshower. I got lots of clothes for Ava and even got a new camera. My mom and Kim out did themselves and really made my day special. I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend my 30th Birthday then celebrating my new daughter.

The Last Year...

One year ago I was turning 29. I weighed just over 300 pounds. And I was miserable. My life wasn't where I wanted it to be.

Today, I am days away of turning 30. I lost 110 pounds. I am happy. And my life is getting to where I want it to be.

What a difference a year can make. I am on my last week of being 29. I am 29 weeks pregnant and about to become a mother for the first time. I never thought that this time last year I would be pregnant. I went through a lot with the surgery and adjusting to a new way of life and now my life is going to be very different.

As I look back I thought this summer I would be able to go to an amusement park and get on a rollercoaster and not feel embarrassed. Well, gotta wait one more summer. I wouldn't change it for the world. I am bringing a little baby girl into the world this fall - and I will be able to bring her to the parks going forward.

People ask me if I am happy that I had the surgery. I am happy that I had the surgery because if I didn't, I wouldn't have Ava. I didn't think I would become pregnant this quick after the surgery, but God gives me what I can handle. There were things I don't like because of the surgery. I lost a lot of my hair, I still throw up at time. I get pain in my side because of things moving around. I still don't like my arms! But I am not done. I got about 30-40 pounds I think I would like to lose. I need to work on my arms. And I think my hair is growing back. Maybe not as quick as I hope, but it will happen. This is the hard part of surgery now. The last pounds to get off. The toning that needs to be done. I still have a hard time eating what I should and doing it slowly. Sometimes I just get really hungry and I forget and just eat. But then I soon remember when it comes back up.

I am happy. I fit in clothes from non-plus size stores. I am pregnant. I have more energy. I am more flexible where I can sit on the ground and cross my legs and be able to be comfortable. I am happy because when Ava is here I will be able to sit on the floor and play with her. I will have the energy to be a good mom for her. My life is for her now. I have this connection with her that I never knew about.

I am learning about what a mother is about. It's about the love you have for your children. The things you will do for them to protect them. Because of the surgery I was very low on my vitamin count. Since I got pregnant I have been taking vitamins left and right. I am concerned that I am not doing enough to make sure she is ok. That she is growing. If anything happens to her, I will know it's my fault. I want to make sure she is ok. I want to make sure she is growing good.

I was looking for to my June appointment to get another sonogram picture of Ava. But the office had to cancel. So now I have to wait till the mid-end of July. The more time that goes on the more worried I get because I don't know if she is ok. I did get to hear her heart beat the other day. Her heart was beating strong. I also know that she is active because she moves a lot. Which helps ease my worries to know that she is moving and breathing. Once I get another picture of her - I will be better.

I feel like I am all over the place. But that's my year. I lost 110 pounds. I get a daughter and my life is about to change - yet again!

And she will be Called...

And my daughter's name will be: Ava Ryann Lee

On the way to work one morning I looked over to Eric and said it and we just looked at each other and said - yup that's it. I think it flows really good and it's easy and it fits. Now that she has a name - it means so much more for me. Since I found out that she is a girl I went into this planning mode - and now that we have her name - it's more real. She moves all the time and is growing. I think I am actually gaining some weight according to my at home scale. On Thursday I will know more as I have a doctor's appointment. Then next month - about 5 weeks away I get to see her again at my sonogram appointment. I can't wait for that day! I want to see her wave, kick, move! It's the best feeling in the world.

So now I am off to finish their room and get the shelves put together, painted and get their names painted to put up on the wall. I love doing this stuff. It puts the biggest smile on my face. It's something I get to do for her!

I am in love with this little girl!

Planning....

Getting things all in order now. I feel like there is so much to do - just not enough time to do it. However, I am off to a great start. I pretty much got the kids room all done. Painted it, changed it around, cleaned it, and decorated it. All it needs now is a crib and a baby! I love the room so much that today I just went into it and sat in my grandmother's rocking chair and just looked around. I know Jorde isn't thrilled about the whole situation, however, that why I wanted to do it now. I wanted him to get used to it so when the baby does come - it wasn't going to be a harder situation. We had some moments over the weekend were we don't see eye to eye - but I just have to try and deal with my emotions and remember things are changing for all of us.

So I also painted the bathroom and next will get our room all situated to add the porta-crib. Not going to paint the room (even though I think it will help me like it better) but some curtains and a new dresser will make a difference. Each week I am just going to get things knocked off my list and before I know it - the baby will be here and the house will ok.

She is moving like a worm. Not sure how else to describe it because I have no idea what she is doing in there. I just know she is poking me and I love it. It makes me feel like I am doing something right because she is alive and breathing. At night I put my hands on my stomach and press just a little and feel her heartbeat. I am looking forward to the next sonogram in June because I get to see her again!

It's a ...

April was a tough month, but at the end of the month things got much better. So many thoughts going through my head - where do I start?!

Work is getting busy, which has been great. The day goes by fast and I am learning. Went to training in Charlotte and got sick. That's where it all started! Appartently going through gastric bypass there are several post surgery things you go through that not everyone tells you. The loss of hair is a big one (well for me). I am dealing with it, but I don't like it. Thankfully I don't have to get my gall bladder out since it's already gone, but apparently after 100 pounds you have the gall bladder pain and most people need to get it removed. And now I find out that an internal hernia can occure and most likely needs to be removed. The hernia can cause infections and lots of pain. This is what I currently have - however, nothing can be done right now. But can I tell you - the pain it causes! I was out of work for 3 days! Probably could have come back sooner however, I was in training away from home for the first 2 days without any drugs and answers! So for the time being if I can bare the pain - the better. However, so far no pain - and doctor says - baby will probably help it!

Ok - on to fun stuff! Baby!! I have this new found love. I have become attached to my baby and it isn't even born yet. But I know my motherly feelings are developing! Everything I do going forward is for my child and now I know how others feel.

So - Monday I had a great doctor's appointment. I got to see the baby move and the heart beat going. And... the doctor told me - I am having.... a ..... GIRL! I couldn't believe it. The doctor said she is doing great - everything looks normal and I just have to keep doing what I am doing. I haven't gain any weight - but they didn't seem so concerned with that right now. As long as I am eating and taking my pills and helping the baby grow - that's what is important.

A GIRL! Can you believe it. Since Monday - my life changed. It has hit me more and I am in the mode to plan for her arrival. I am 20 weeks along and hope to have 20 weeks to finish preparing. I love being pregnant! It's such a great feeling! Feeling her move and hearing her heart beat! It's the greatest feeling in the world. In 8 weeks I get to see her again at another sonogram. I can't wait! I miss seeing her! I know - silly - but I love her!

Pants!

So I did it - finally broke down and bought my first pair of maternity pants! And let me tell you - they are the most comfortable pants I ever wore! They fit real good and they are even a size large! Even when I am pregnant I fit into a large. I'm no longer XX or X - I am a large!! Very exciting for me.

Now that I can fit into "normal" size clothes - the shopping experiences are so much better. I don't get as frustrated and I don't feel limited to 1 or 2 stores. I still have to get out of the mind set that I don't shop in plus size stores anymore. I can shop at any store and be able to find nice things - that aren't "grandma" looking (meaning - like I am 90!).

Went shopping for other things as well, got an outfit, and a dress. Things that actually fit me now.

So I have been thinking about my food cravings. Can't really think of what I crave the most - I do eat all the time! But I haven't gained weight. Which I think is ok - but a little nervous about not gaining. Funny huh - I actually want to gain weight. But it's not like I don't eat. I do. Eric keeps saying to me - didn't you just have a snack! But I remember what I read in my baby book - if your starving, then your baby is starving. I'm not going to have that happen. I think my nutrition is good, right now the only concern I have is that the baby will be a good size and is growing good. Next doctor's appt. should reassure me that we are good.

Baby Pic!

First baby picture! Had a sonogram the other day and it was really cool. The baby was kicking and waving it's hand. Seeing it move was really cool to watch. We heard the heart beat and it was beating at a great rate. The technician said if it continues to grow the way it is, then it's going to be tall. I guess it has long legs already. Surely didn't get it from my side! I think late April if all goes right we should get to know what it is. I am looking forward to that, because then I will be ready to buy things. Still feeling a bit tired, but no other sickness to really count. A bit emotional - but that's normal, right?!

On other notes - nothing much else to report. I passed my last class with an A- again! Keeping up the streak! Now I am in Economics. Week 1 is almost done and so far it's not that bad. We will see how the rest of the class goes.

My weight is ok. Since I found out that I was going to have a baby I have lost 8 pounds. It's not like I am trying! I eat all the time, but I think in most cases I am eating healthier. I have my moments were I tend to eat stuff I am not supposed to, but I do work on getting that protein in. I never knew how much harder it is until I had surgery. I guess it's because my stomach is so small that when I used to eat the carbs and stuff I still had room for the protein. But now I need to change that around and eat the protein first then the other stuff. It's all a process!

It's Real...

It's really official - even though I knew, it's been really confirmed for me... I'm having a baby!

I got to hear the heart beat today. Even though I know I am pregnant, it doesn't feel like it. However, because I heard the heartbeat, it made it a little more real. It was a huge joy to hear and know that it has a heart. It's a baby! This is something I won't every forget.

I am 11 weeks 6 days - on track for September 16th. I know right now it seems far away, but before I know it, it will be here. Feeling good. I have been a little nauseated here and there. But keeping food down. Eating all the time - and still lost 4 pounds. Doctor not concerned, but I shouldn't lose much more. I am eating all the time. Probably 8-10 little meals a day. But I am eating the healthy foods. That's the biggest difference - no more bowls of icecream and pizza. Veggies, fruit and lean protein!

I am looking forward to finding out the gender of our baby. Once I do, I will be buying things left and right. Not sure what the first item will be, but it will make me remember it!

I think the shock has worn off, but still a little nervous but more excited is happening. We will see how the next few weeks go!

There is a Reason...

So it's been forever since I blogged - so much has been going on! So, I have finally reached the 100 pound mark, meaning I have lost 100 pounds. Since then, I have lost a little more as well. I am now in the 100's - now more 200s!! My hope is to still lose those 40 pounds, but I'm in no rush to do that. Clothes are more enjoyable now. The hair that I lost really bums me out. But, it's only hair - typicall everyone loses it someday! I feel a thousand times better then I did last year at this time. I have more confidence, and more energy. I don't want to sit still. I sleep so much better - and I get 8 hours and I am good. I know I shouldn't dread on the small things because look what I have done - but the hair loss is what bothers me the most. I don't regret what I did, but I wish I knew more about how much I would lose and how to get it back! I had thin hair to begin with, and now it's so much thinner! I will figure it out someday!

Never thought things would happen to me so quickly after surgery. Miracles, even the shocking and unexpected are good. Everything happends for a reason and I am truly blessed to have the family I have.

I have gone through my roller coaster emotions - and I am sure there are more to come. I have had joy, excitment, depression, fear, and the what the hell.....moments. But in the end - everything happens for a reason. God gives me what I can handle. He won't give me what I can't. I truly believe that. The challenges in life are there for a reason. We may not know what they are now - but in due time they are revealed.

September will change my life. I have little time to prepare - and if you know more, I like to prepare. But the time I have, I will do what I can. My focus - is not about me anymore. It's about my family to come!

Hello 2011!

New Year - New Me! Working on those old resolutions that are new. I have three of them this year. 1. Lose the last 40 pounds and tone. 2. Work on controlling my temper. 3. Work on having an honest, trusting, and communicated relationship with Eric.

2010 was a tough year for me in terms of my relationship, but I think as the year went on - things got better. I truly believe that each year it does get better and better. We both of things we need to work on in order to be together, and I feel like we can accomplish that if we are truly committed to each other.

2011 already has tested me - but I believe I passed with flying colors. Tough love is hard - but at the end of the day it is a good. Right Dad!

I have one more day of free/nothing to do. And then it's back to work and school. I have enjoyed my time alone at home, and rested and watch lots of movies. Not really wanting to go back to work, but I know it will be good. I just have a long 6 months ahead of me. However, I feel like I can do good things.

I am ready for 2011 - I am energized and know everything will happen for a reason! Let's begin 2011!