Goodbye 2010!

It's the last day of 2010 - and like most people I am reflecting on what the year has been for me. I have made some mistakes - like we all do. But I have learned from them - or at least - I think I have. I have many ups and downs - and I have also lost 98 pounds. Going into 2010 I never thought that was going to happened. I was upset and depressed being so overweight - but I finally did something about it.

I am glad I made the choice to have surgery to help my weight loss. I don't think I could have done it without the help. I have more energy, I have more time to do things. I just feel a lot better. I look good, and I feel good about it. I like to go shopping now and I still like food. Learning how to eat and what to eat is something that is a daily lesson, but I don't stress about it anymore.

I am happy that I started my MBA program. It is a lot of work - and I am tired - but I know it's going to be worth it in the end. All things are possible. 2011 will be a promising year for my career. I have the chance to shine - and that is what I am going to do. It's going to be hard work - but I know God is giving me this chance to do what I am supposed to do.

2011 is a year of me. Not to be selfish - but I am going to be. I have done so much for others and I don't feel like I get the same in return. I feel like I need to make myself happy before I can make others happy. Not sure what is in store for me - but I know, I am going to work on making me happy.

I turn 30 this coming year. Never thought this is where I would be in my life at this point. But this is the plan that God had for me. Teaching me patience and control.

I miss my grandparents. I wish they were all around to have their wisdom and company. I know they look down from heaven upon me and my family, but I still miss them.

Looking forward to a better 2011!

Holidays

Made it through my first Thanksgiving after surgery. I managed to do really good. I didn't think it would be too hard, but was a little nervous. But because its been about 5 months since surgery, I know what I can eat and how much. Turkey was good - ate that first. Made sure I got my protein in first. Had a little bit of everything else. Even dessert was good. Had the smallest piece of pie I had ever ate. I didn't think I deprived myself at all. It was very refreshing.

I delayed one class for a week. Glad I did it. I didn't have to worry about getting any assignments in and what not. This is will be my first free weekend in 12 weeks! I have completed 3 classes and next week I will be starting my 4th. I am doing well... on track. I needed the break. I think it was good. If after 3 classes I take 1 week to recoop - then I will be ready for another 3.

Working on the excerise part. Slow but I know I have to get to it. It will come when I have the mind set.

I Can Do It!

Today I had my 2 follow up from my surgery. 4 months later - 90 pounds lighter - I couldn't be happier. My doctor was very pleased. Encouraged me to pack protein snacks for emergency situations. Like - HOLIDAYS! Getting back on the protein kick to get ready to take on the holiday season. Also good news from the doctor's office... I can take regular vitamins again!! This is good news because the vitamins at the doctor's are kinda expensive and don't taste all that great... so now she suggested that I take a regular multi-vitamin and then one of my chewable expensive ones. This should help me get my levels up and stay healthy. Overall, really good visit!

Afterwards I went shopping! I was in a good mood - and I thought I could kill some time and got a couple new sweaters. It is such a great feeling that I can go into a plus size store and have to pick the smallest size! Soon I will be able to go to a regular (non-plus size) store and have more options! Looking forward to that. I even got new lounge pants that don't just slide off anymore!!

I am getting practice on getting up earlier - so soon I will get up and not just get ready for work, but get on the elliptical again! Goal - 3 days a week, 30 minutes. I want to get the stomach gut down - then my pants and skirts will look a lot better.

Next doctor's appointment is in 6 months - my goal then is to be at my goal weight - 140 pounds lost. I have 50 pounds to go - I CAN DO IT!!

Bones!

I can't believe it's just about 1/2 way through November and I hadn't blogged all month! Life is getting busy. That's a good thing. Balancing work, school and home is always a challenge - but it's a good challenge.

The one thing that I wanted to talk about for a little while now is about my bones. Skinny people may not know this feeling, but when you start to loose weight, and a lot of weight with that, you start to notice your bones. I have found my neck and shoulder bones. My hip bone I can feel now too. The fat is no longer covering it up. It's a weird feeling, but I love it. I notice my self feeling my bones and before I realize what it is, I'm always in this state of mind of... oh my god... what is that... then I realize, my fat is going away and my bones are popping out!! I am starting to take shape - so to speak!!

So the holidays are approaching us. This is will be my first thanksgiving/Christmas holiday with my new way of eating. I think I will be ok. I will just take it slow and remember to eat the meat first and have tiny bits of everything else. I am really looking forward to the holidays. I feel better then I have in a long time. I think some of it relates to my weight lost and the energy I have now.

So in two days I have my follow up with my doctor. It will be 4 1/2 months since surgery. And I am at 90 pounds lost... as of today! Can you believe that!! I can't. That's like a couple of these small kids... Jorde plus Emma. That is what I was carrying around for a long time. My feet feel better, my knees are better. I don't have as much heart pain that I had. My energy! It's all worth it. I got about 40-50 pounds to go... then I will reach my ultimate goal. I never thought I would get there - and I now know I will. I feel like I can also get through the holidays without over doing it on the food!

Finally... I did it!

I did it! Finally! I got on the elliptical! It has been a long time coming - and now I just have to keep going. Ok, so it's day 1 of getting back on track. Now I need day 4-5-6 and so on! But I am just happy that I did it. Tomorrow will be the test.

Ok - so the morning routine didn't happen. I just can't get up in the morning. So I have to do it after work and before school. Guess it's a compromise that I am just willing to do. Maybe it will get me more motivation and energy later to get up in the morning to get it done with and get my day going off to a great start!

Routine!

Now it's time to get into the swing of things. I need a routine. Not sure how I am going to go about doing this, but I am need it. When I get home from work, I just want to relax, however, I have school work and other things that need to get done. I struggle to get up in the morning any earlier then I really have to - so that's not working out for me. Ideally, get up in the morning, do the elliptical, and school work. Go to work. Come home, relax, make dinner, relax, and go to bed. But that might mean I need to get up at 6am - can I do it? Maybe I should take small steps. Start with the exercising part and work my way up to doing school work in the AM.

Fall cleaning is here. Today we are all about getting this house cleaned! Loads of laundry, clothes to good will.... school is done for today.... so now it's about moving furniture, dusting things off, washing blankets, and cleaning things out! I made a deal... Eric helps me today with all this - I will leave him alone to watch football tomorrow! Good deal I think!

This new class is hard! Business law is a lot of work. Very interesting, but lots of reading and just a lot of facts you need to know. All I can do is keep going forward and hope that I come out on top!

Life is Good!

It's been awhile, over a month but I am trying to get back to blogging. It really has helped me put down my feelings and share my thoughts. I have been up and down on this whole surgery thing. Meaning, I have good days and bad days... which is normal in life. There are days I hate food because I can't seem to keep anything down, or I really want that cupcake and I know I shouldn't. But then there are days where I do really good. I get my vitamin intake - I am doing well on protein and the weight goes down!

I finally went out this week and bought new clothes. Not many, just some to get be by right now. I got two pairs of jeans, a pair of pants for work, and 2 sweaters. Thinking I want to go out and get 1-2 more sweaters and one more pair of pants for work. I knew my clothes were big on me, but I didn't know how big. I finally looked at my whole self in the mirror and saw - I look awful in these clothes. It was time. This shopping experience was the best one I have had in probably my entire life. I am now in sizes I don't remember. It has been over 10 years since I had these sizes and felt great. I had to try on 4 pairs of jeans to get to the right size. And I didn't have to go up... I was trying on smaller sizes!! It sure does help your self confidence when that happens.

I have lost a total of 77 pounds. I was in high school last time I weighed this amount. I never thought I could do it. But now is the hard part... 65 more pounds to go... and a whole lot more exercising to do. I can't keep giving excuses - I will no longer be that size again and if I don't get up and move - I could be. I am so much more happier and I just have to keep going.

Of course there are bad days, but as time goes on - I am learning. It's a whole change. This is for the rest of your life. You have to be ready for that. You won't be able to eat like you have in the past. One of the hardest parts I have been dealing with, is when I am upset I used to go for the comfort fatty foods. I can't do that any more... I am finding a better way to deal with being upset. The best thing... going for that walk!

My second class is coming to an end. I have 1 assignment left and then I am on to Business Law. Six more weeks of school then I am taking a little break.

I feel good. I am happy and I am staying busy. That's what I wanted. Life is good!

Just Breathe

Time to relax. Breathe and just be ok and know that God will take care of things. I was very frustrated and angry last night, hence my last post. But I am learning to just breathe. I can't control others and I can only control myself. Each day I do good is a better day. Focusing on the day today is all I can do right now. Why worry about tomorrow when who knows what's about to happend.

I am actually having a great day. I managed to get all my school work done so I can just relax on the holiday. I cleaned the house so when I come home tomorrow from work I can just relax. I am getting a pattern down with school and that is helping me a lot. The next two years I will be really focusing on school and I don't think that is so bad. It's kinda fun! I know weird huh... school fun?! I must be crazy!

My eating is going well. I am really focusing on knowing when to stop. Eat slowly and get in that protein. That's what my eating is about now. I am glad I am losing and I just look forward to buying some new clothes one day. I think by now I am 2-3 sizes smaller. Not really sure because I haven't bought anything new. But I think if I did - I could buyer 2-3 sizes smaller. I have the hesitation of buying new clothes or even trying them on because for all I can remember is every time I tried on new clothes I had to go up a size. I know that is not the case now, but it's overcoming that fear.

Frustrations of Life

The calm before the storm. I am so frustrated that I can't protect the ones I love from the hurricane. Why is it that people who do not want kids get kids and the people who would do anything for them can't get them. All I want to do is love them and care for them. I am a good person and just want to show them the world. What happened in her life that makes her so miserable? Why can't she see that the world isn't out to hurt her and would help her if she just let them in. As much as it pains me to say this... I do ask God to be with her and help her work through the troubles that she has. We all have to deal with the actions of our past. If you can't embrace what happened and learn from it, then you will never be happy. I don't have kids of my own, but I know what it feels like to have a wonderful boy that I will always love as if he was my own. It pains me to see what she does to my family. The hold and limitations she has on my family is not fair! Why does she get to have this control? Who died and made her queen! Why does it have to be this way... why can't she see that we are not the enemy and we just want what is best for the one precious thing in life... the little boy I love.

Aww... PROTEIN!

I really need to get up and get walking or something. I am getting more and more tired. It also could have to do with the amount of food I am eating... or should I say, not eating. I am very nervous about my protein intake, and I don't feel like I am doing good on it. I may get about 1/2 of what I should, and I am so worried about my hair falling out. I don't know if I just never noticed it before, or if it is because of the surgery - but I feel like more hair is coming out. I gotta get back on my protein shakes and get it done! It's way to important to. I just notice that I am not eating. I am lucky if I get three meals in. I will get there - I just gotta do it.

Started my second class this week. It's all about HR - so I really hope I do well. If not, then I better find me a new job! Just kidding. There is a lot of reading, and papers, but I feel I can handle it. I kinda really like school. It gives me something to do instead of eating. I really feel that is important. Us fat people didn't get this way for no reason. All of our reasons are different, but mine was being bored and being emotional. Now that I have more responsibilities at work, and doing school, I am too tired to eat! I am not bored anymore!

I love summer, but I think I am ready for fall. Fall is my favorite time of year I think. Other then the fact I get really busy at work, the holidays are coming, lots of birthdays are coming. It just feels good!

Getting into the Routine

Things seem to be all coming together now. I am almost done with my first MBA class. I just took my final and I just have to write my last paper for the class. Then onto my second class. No rest for me! Monday ends class 1 and class 2 starts Tuesday! It's really rewarding that I can see an end product. Unless I really bomb this paper I did really good in the class. I just have to keep it up. I know its going to get harder.

The weight keeps coming off. But I really need to do more strength training. This is the part that is going to bug me. The weight is dropping, but the skin is still there. Again, I just have to buckle down and get going on it. Now that "school" season is upon us, I feel like I will get into a routine. Eric is back to school on Monday, and I have school online at night, and work during the day. So its either get up earlier (which will probably happened) and do my workouts, or stay up later after class... not likely!

A New Light...

After a year and a half of having computer problems it finally got fixed. With just a little bit of time, 2 and a half hours on the phone with dell, it is like brand new. I was finally willing to pay this time because it was getting to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore, so I broke down and called. But! with my surprise, I didn't have to pay. All this time I thought I had to pay to talk to them really wasn't the case, in my case! So anyways, the lesson... just do it!

Eating is going better. I took a step back a little and started somewhat over. I am a little frustrated because I feel like I am not doing what I need to do. But I know I am really ok. I am taking it slow, and focusing on my protein. I think the major problem was not going grocery shopping and thinking that I can go back to my old ways. That was a huge mistake! I was sick for like 2 weeks. So I said, ok... Becky... just do it! I went to the grocery store, and got things I know I can eat. Cheese sticks, cottage cheese, protein shakes, eggs, etc. I even went to the ice cream section. I haven't had ice cream since the liver reduction diet started on June 18th. And we all know, ice cream is my down fall. So I went to the section, and looked through all the labels. And said... what have I done? Was this all really worth it? And then... it hit me... it was! I am down 60 pounds! I have never lost this much weight before. It was worth it. So, starring at the ice cream sections... I looked at a couple more labels and saw..... no sugar added ice cream bars!! I was in heaven! Now, I can't over do it... but I did try one last night. It was hot, and I really wanted it. And it was so good! I found my ice cream! But... my plan is only to have 1 a week and on the weekends! That way, I don't over do it. I have eaten pizza and all kinds of salads. Went to Red Lobster, and this new Tai place. And what I have learned, its all about reading the labels and ingredients. 60 pounds is worth it. When I get to my goal, I know it will all be worth it. I am now fitting into jeans I never thought I would fit into again. I held onto them, for whatever reason, and now they are too big for me! In about 10-20 more pounds I will go out and get some new clothes. Not much, just some stuff to get me to winter.

Coming up on my last week of my first class is so exciting. I can't believe I am this close to finishing my first master's class. I am very proud of myself and the work I am doing. I am learning alot from others and learning more about myself. It really keeps me busy and I have to sacrifice somethings, but its all about planning things out. One more week of this class and then on to the next!

Hard Time

Having a little bit of a hard time with food lately. I don't think I really realized how much I really liked food until it started to make me sick. It seems like the littlest of things just don't settle right. I eat one thing one day - and then eat the leftovers the next and it doesn't settle the same way. Am I going to have to live off string cheese for the rest of my life? I guess I was trying things too soon too much. I see all these flavors and I just want to try everything. I am tired of chicken and fish cooked the same way. But I am not a creative person at all. I need someone to cook for me - for free! Any takers??? I didn't think so! That's ok, maybe someday I will get used to this. Getting a little frustrated, but I know it's not the end of the world.

Can't be Lazy

Things come when you least expect it. My life has changed so much in the last 8 months I can't even believe it. I am on my way to a greater education. I am on my way to being healthy. I am on my way to a great career. Hard work, dedication, and determination pays off. Doesn't mean I can go lazy, I have to keep doing what I am doing, and greater things will come for me. Maybe I am finally growing up and realizing what I can be and will be. Right now I have all these feelings inside of me that I don't know how to express. I am very happy right now and I know that things are going to get better as long as I stay on my path!

Milestones

It just doesn't feel like I have any down time anymore. I guess that is what I get for going back to school. In the long run it will be worth it, but I am tired all the time. Work, school, take care of the house, bed, work, school.... and so on. Well, I am going to take advantage of it now - I rather be busy then bored!

I went out to a restaurant for the first time yesterday! We went to perkins for breakfast! I did so good! I couldn't eat my whole breakfast, but I made smart choices. Fruit instead of potatoes, veggie omlete with some ham, and whole wheat toast not just white. I really wanted something other then water to drink, but I couldn't right now. Maybe later down the line. I was a little nervous because I have tried some stuff lately and got sick... but for the most part I am doing well. Really trying to get my protein in. Then I went to a family party last night and was able to actually eat! I took a little of everything and couldn't finish my plate! I even tried some birthday cake. I ate maybe a 1/4 of a teaspoon of frosting, and then ate most of the cake part. But I didn't have a big piece at all. I did very well - I am feeling good. Last week I made the 50 pound mark - so I am on my second goal of 50 pounds. It will be a little harder - but I go to the doctors tomorrow and get cleared to excersize.

School is going well. I am half way through my first class. So far I am doing well. It gets harder each week and more reading and more papers. But I am liking it. Learning from each other is a great feeling. People from all over the world who have different experiences you can learn a lot from.

Eric hit the one year mark last week for quiting smoking. I wasn't sure if he could do it, but now - he won't even go near it. I just can't believe he used to smoke for all those years. But I am very proud of him for making it through year one. Especially doing it cold turkey! Now on to year 2!

Back to "Normal"

First day of eating whatever I want now! What a feeling I have. What to eat - what should I start with. Well - I did it... I had a turkey burger! It was such a great feeling. Actually eating something with texture and flavor. Making dinner and being able to share it with Eric. 6 weeks of eating protein shakes and soft foods. I did it. I am just about to cross over to the other side. Once I can get to excerise I will feel a lot better. Only 1 week to go on that. I am still taking things slow - but I still feel good about being able to eat whatever one else can eat now. I just look at the labels - and I am good to go!

Almost 2 weeks down on my first MBA class. The first week was rather easy - and then the second week came. Week 1 was like a tease. I am spending about 4 hours a night doing work. There goes my TV time. Thank goodness for DVR come the fall.

Kick in the Butt

Back to work, going to school = Becky's butt getting kicked! But honestly I wouldn't have any other way. The world of learning in school is a great feeling. I like being there and learning what others have to say and what experiences they go through. This is a great challenge for me because I have always been the shy one in school and now I am forced to speak my mind. I am still nervous about it and I don't want to make a fool of myself. But I know each week or even day I will get better. I have finished my first week and I am pretty proud of myself!

So - week 2 of stage 3 kinda got me in trouble. Now that I can eat more and more I went overboard yet again. Well kinda... I don't think I was ready for ground beef (even though it said I could have it). It made me kinda sick yesterday and part of today. However, cheese sticks are a wonderful thing! I have always liked them, but now I love them even more. Back to going slow, and maybe next weekend I will try a taco again but with ground turkey!

A New Look...

Today was my first day back to work since the surgery - 3 weeks ago. It was yet again mix feelings. Was I ready? Should I really go back so soon? Yes - I was ready, and I was glad I did. I was getting bored at home, and really needed something to do. And boy did work keep me busy. Only if that happened every day. I did get a bit tired in the afternoon, but I worked through it. Did a a little walk and moved around a lot more then I have at home. I believe that will help me lose the weight and hope it will help me sleep at night. Even though every day gets a little better, I am still not sleeping through the night. However, I know it will happen.

The changes I have made in my life so far are really working out for me. I feel physically better and I know that changes my attitude. Also going to school again makes me want to learn more about businesses and the world. Today I feel I have a new look at life.

Tonight I am introducing some new foods. CHEESE! Of course, low fat, low sugar! And boy was it good! I am on week 2 of this stage and don't have to use the blender so much now!

Mixed Emotions

I am scared and I am excited. Today is my first day of Grad School. Nervous because I don't know what to expect, excited because I know I can do great things with it. Day 1 I spent 2 hours reading over everything and getting my notes together. If 2 hours is just day 1 - what will the rest be! I wanted a challenge - and now I am getting it. Well... it beats eating!

As I am feeling better each day - I am really looking forward to exercising. I never thought I would say that because I never liked it before. But now that I am seeing results - I want to keep it going. I love the weight loss - but I need the tone muscles too. I know it will come in time. Don't want to over do anything!

Reality

Called my doctor today and asked to be able to return to work. I think I am ready - but I am still tired. But I am thinking I will see how it goes. i have a couple days left at home to work my way up to going back. I am moving better and sleeping better. I can now spend more time on my side and part way on my stomach. The more I get to introduce into my diet the more energy I believe I will have.

My weight loss in on track. 6 pounds since last Monday. 21 since the surgery and 45 overall. Once I get cleared to exercise I know I will feel better. I keep walking and doing things around the house. I am looking forward to doing some strength training - to increase the lost. It's been almost a month since I put on work clothes - and now I am a little worried to see how they will fit. I know they won't be tight - but how loose will they be! It's strange to think that way since most of my life I always thought the other way!

Choices

I am finding the beauty of food again. It has now been over a month since I had solid "normal" food. I believe that my sense of smell has really heighten. I think I can smell a fried piece of meat a mile away. But as I go through this journey, I now appreciate food more. Before it was there to comfort me in my sad times, happy times, and all the times in between. Now it's there to give me energy and make sure I am healthy. I now eat because I have to - not because I want to. Don't get me wrong, those burgers, and fried chickens smell great and I want them. But I actually rethink about it. Do I really want to destroy everything I have worked for these last 5 months? All the pain and frustration... NOPE! I now take my time, and still drink my meals... but soon I will be able to enjoy each and every bit and now I am doing good.

Going into this next step that I started Friday has really made me think about all the choices I have. And I know as time goes on I get more and more choices. Mashed potatoes settled very well. The flavor and just having something different was fantastic. Because they settled well I thought I would try stuffing. Not really sure if I was supposed to have it - but I thought, it is made the same way as mashed potatoes. bread and herbs. So I went for it. That filled me up way faster then the potatoes. I guess I am just getting really sick of soup, pudding and yogurt. Soon enough I will be able to eat tuna and chicken!! I have now made my shakes a lot better. I add fresh fruit or frozen berries. Ahh... the choices!

Advancing

I have gotten through stage 2 now, and now I am onto stage 3. New food choices, and more flavor! Foods are to be pureed and soft for 2 weeks, but each texture is only a week long - so in a week I will be able to have even more choices. Today will be the much anticipated mashed potatoes! We will see how that goes.

Still having a bit trouble sleeping - however I am completely of the meds! I still have some pain, but not enough to have the high strength stuff. Each night I am getting a little more but I am still tired throughout the day. I am doing a little more and more each day with my activity and soon will be back to work.

I had my first follow up last Monday and I made my goal - actually I surpassed it. My goal was 12 pounds, and I have lost 15! Going out this weekend to get a scale so I can keep track of the weight loss. Since I have started my journey - I am down 39 pounds!! Each Sunday I will be weighing in to make sure I am on track!

Obstacles

My birthday came and it went. This year was a different year and feeling. Didn't really feel like my birthday. There was no cake, no ice cream, but there was a sugar free pudding cup! I know in the long run, its all worth it. But on special occasions its nice to have a little something sweet. I know this time next year will be very different.

This is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Probably right now the hardest thing. 1/2 yogurt for breakfast, 4 oz of soup for lunch, 4 oz of a protein shake for dinner, and one from bedtime snack. At least I get different flavors. I got through the 4th of July, and my birthday. I am down 1 week, and 3 more to go with this "special" eating. 1 more week of the full liquids, then its baby food! Sitting watching bbq's and just wanting a bit is really hard. Smelling the flavors and just watching people enjoy the foods I want are hard. But I keep plugging away. I eat because I need the protein. That right there is a good feeling to me. I don't eat because I am bored, because I am not hungry. That's a huge obstacle to get through right there alone.

Mistakes - Life Lessons

I have made mistakes - or as some people say, life lessons. But as the saying goes - as long as you learn from them, then you will be ok. As I have plenty of time to sit back and relax during my recovery - that one thing I have been thinking of is hoping people will learn from me. If I can help people not make the same mistakes then that will be the greatest gift I could ever receive. Everyday I think of the many "life lessons" I have had - and part of me wishes I really learned from someone else so I didn't have to go through it - but then I think - I was meant to go through it. Life is hard - no one ever said it was easy. But as I work one day at a time, I know I will be ok.

A Week Later

Does weight loss equal less sleep? Or is it the surgery itself or the heat? Maybe its a combination of it all. I am having a hard time sleeping. I am going to bed later and later - and getting up every day at the same time. Maybe it could be that I still can't sleep on my side and I am laying on my back like I am a mummy. After a week of that its getting a little uncomfortable.

1 week later. I am on my way. Everyday I get a little better. I even think my feet are losing weight! Hehe! Maybe this means I actually won't have to get wide shoes anymore. That will be amazing. I can't remember when I was actually able to by regular shoes. Maybe that's why I never had a shoe fetish. I am taking less meds - so I am thinking that is a good sign. I am still having some issues getting my water and protein. I am just never hungry. Wow - never thought I would ever say that. The one trick I am doing well I am at home is - 3 glasses equals enough water for the day. So since I am home and don't do much - I pour my glasses in the morning and know I have that much to drink by the end of the night.

P&C

The one thing I have tired to remember through my life is what Grandpa Todd always tired to teach me. P&C - patients and control. I need to practice that more then ever. Last night I tried to sleep on my side and that lasted for about 2 seconds. I have been sleeping good but I get stiff sleeping on my back. But like Grandpa Todd has always said to me - P&C.

Small things are starting to happen. I can now get out of bed on my own. I can get up from the couch on my own. Because its been really hot I need to drink more water. So instead of drinking every 15 minutes - I am drinking every 10 minutes. The last 2 days I didn't do good on my drinking so I thought if I can tolerate every 10 minutes I will do better.

Goal for today is to walk 3 times for 5 minutes. Because it is hot out - I don't want to do to much. Plus that gas pain really hurts when I walk - but I know its the best thing for me.

Mental Health

Sometimes your body can trick you. I thought I was feeling like a million bucks - but I think I was feeling like 5 bucks! Did a little to much on Saturday and slept a little more on Sunday. However, I managed to get out last night and did see the 4th of July fireworks! I was around family and it was nice. I took it easy most of the day - and then just for a couple of hours sat outside and watch everyone eat hot dogs and hamburgers.

Its such a different feeling though. Some people were like - why would you sit there and watch us eat food that you can't have. I think it's because I know I can't have it - and I know if I did that it would make me really ill. I didn't go through all this to just ruin it because I want a bit of potato salad or a hot dog. Don't get me wrong - it did look and smell really good. But this is my life now. And I am happy with that. Something that I heard recently - if you have a healthy head - you will have a healthy body. My head hasn't been healthy for a long time and going through this process has really helped me change my mental state to help change my health state. Of course I could have had a tummy tuck, and lypo but that just changes the out side - it doesn't change the inside. If I did that I would be how I am today in 6 months. This is my life - this isn't just a phase!

Flavor!

It has been 17 days of no flavor foods. And today is day 1 of bringing back flavor. I get to reintroduce food into my diet now. Everything will be low fat, low sugar, and high protein. For lunch I have cream of broccoli soup and Crystal light! So the can of soup is going to last me a couple of days - but that will help reduce the grocery budget and save a little money. If I can lose weight and save money - this was so worth it. I really think I would have second thoughts about going through this if I didn't already have gone through surgery. Because this was elective surgery - I knew what I was getting into. When I had my gall bladder out - I didn't have a choice. I really think that has prepared me for the pain I am going through. I am still of course in pain - but I am handling it well. I am getting up and walking around the house to prevent the blood clots. I know in a week - things will feel really different and I can live my life!

Time will Tell

The day came - and the day went. My stomach is now much smaller. I don't feel much different - except I am in slight pain. But hey, it's only day 2 after surgery! Considering what they did - I am in really good shape. I am eating my jello, drinking my water, and sleeping when I fall asleep. I was really lucky and got out of the hospital just 54 hours after surgery. I was really expecting to stay a full 72 - but because I did so well, I got to leave! I feel because of the hard work I did prior to the surgery made me heal faster at the hospital. I also feel because this wasn't my first surgery - I kinda knew what to expect. Hopefully that will make me just feel better around the house too. Time will tell.

At the End... At the Beginning...

Today is the day. My surgery day. I was a little nervous I wouldn't sleep that good - but I did. I am still a little tired - but that's normal. I am in good spirits as I was around family last night. I think that helped a lot. It made me be at ease. I think I am a little nervous about the surgery - just hoping it goes good. But I am ready for it to be over so I can recover. I can't believe I did it - 14 days of the liver reduction diet - 5 months of preparing for this - and now it's here. It doesn't really seem real. Maybe when I wake up in the recovery room 0r when I am actually at the hospital. This is it!

24 to 48 Hours

I have less then 24 hours to fill up on my shakes and sugar free goodies... then its water until midnight - then nothing until surgery. In 48 hours - I will have changed my life and the way I eat forever. That word forever scares me a little. But I think its good. In order to have the life I want, I need to change the way I eat. Doing this surgery will force me to do that. Looking back over the last several years, I never thought I would be at this stage of my life - preparing for weight loss surgery. I always thought that I didn't need the help... but throughout my life - I have learned - it's ok to ask for help. I am very proud of myself. I never knew how hard not eating my favorite foods would be. But when it comes down to it - I did it!

On the Path

I had my final doctor's appointment yesterday and got cleared for surgery. I have made a good milestone so far too. I have lost 25 pounds in less then 4 months. I am on the path to keep going and thinking this is going to be positive for me. I am really sick of drinking my meals for sure. I can't wait to eat something crunchy. I don't even care what it is. However, I have about 5 more weeks until that day will come. However, I can keep going because once the surgery is over I will be able to eat other foods then just these protein shakes. Week 3 I will be able to have some mashed potatoes and baked fish! I am actually really excited about that!

I am learning in making deposits into my life. I have to think about me and what I want in my life. I feel like I am on a path to do better. Attempts are good - but the follow through is better. Honesty and communication are key in any relationship and respecting one's thoughts and time is good. Don't try and do it all at once - working together is key.

Homework?!

And so it starts... homework. I am taking a 3 day workshop to help me with the online portion of the master's degree I am going to begin. It's been a little while since I had homework - and actually had to care about it. I feel really good about because it is giving me a sense of happiness I guess. The feeling is hard to explain - but I know I am not the only one out there starting a Master's degree after being away from college for years. I know - its more common now - but I don't know a lot of people who have their master's so its kinda new for me.

Several times today I looked at the clock and said - in a week from now I will be a totally different person. Kinda scary - but exciting. I think I am now to the point of lets just get this thing done! I am ready to be on the road to recovery. I am doing really good on my eating - at least I believe I am. I get my 3 shakes in - and that's about it. Don't really feel much like eating! For once in my life I can finally feel like a non-fat person. Again, hard to explain - but even though I am still over weight, that thought of who cares about food is here. Prior to doing the LRD everything was FOOD! Who, what, where is the food. First thing and last thing of the day. Now - its going to be different and I couldn't be more excited!

On My Way...

Half way and I am doing much better. Don't get me wrong - I still want that left over pasta and sauce, and that cheese in the fridge - but I can tell you I am changing. I have been headache free for 4 days and counting. I have been drinking my shakes but haven't been wanting to eat anything else. At least I think my stomach is shrinking. I need to drink more water - and I will get there. I am just glad that things are getting easier - however, I am ready for day 14 to come.

I got accepted to a master's program - so I am on my way. I feel like since I am changing my body - I need to help my mind. I feel this will give me several benefits. 1 - it gives me something to do. 2 - it will hopefully increase my knowledge and increase my chances to advance my career. Instead of being bored and looking for something to eat - i will be reading and writing papers! Am I ready for this? Still think I am a little crazy.

More Changes

Have I passed the hump? Can I actually do this? So far no hunger headache today. And I am actually not that hungry. But then I think I still have 10 days left. I am thinking next week will be a good test.

I still don't know why - however all I seem to watch on tv right now has to do with food. Really? I was able to stay out of the kitchen yesterday and today - but it doesn't mean I wasn't hovering over Eric looking at every bite he took! Ok - leave it alone Becky! Your doing good! I just hope this isn't a waste. I would really hate to go in next week and have Dr. C tell me - sorry your liver never reduced - and I can't do it! Not likely going to happen - I just don't want these two weeks to be a waste! Because even those raw veggies smell good!

So I think I might be a little crazy. For years I have thought about going back to school - and now I think I am going to get my master's. I thought this might be a good challenge for myself. Finances have always interested me - and I couldn't ever get into what I wanted because I didn't have the background - but now with my masters, this might give me that chance.

I am coming up in a couple of weeks on my 29th birthday. So that is making me think. I am starting this change in my body - now I am starting the process to change my mind. I am hoping this will mean good things for me. Year 29 will be more life changing then ever!

Hunger Pains

Day 2 of the LRD (Liver Reduction Diet). Day 1 wasn't bad - Day 2 - a little harder. The cravings are still there, and sitting in a room with my co-workers watching them eat doesn't help right now. Especially when all I hear is - "oh... you can't eat?" Of course I can eat - I would die if I didn't - but this is my choice - so when I leave the room while you chow down on your fries and burgers - please don't get upset. I will come back - in a couple months!

I am hoping tomorrow might be a little better. This hunger headach is really making me sick. But I just keep going. Someone said to me today - you could just sleep it away. Maybe there will be lots of early nights ahead of me. But I am found, even just after 2 days - when I get home I have loads of energy. I think I am just trying to keep active and not think about FOOD! But its funny - I am spending more time in the kitchen right now then I had when I could eat whatever I wanted. Why am I surrounding myself with things I know I can't have? I will have to think a little more about that one - I think it might have little deeper meaning.

All Liquids... no solids....

Day 1 of the Liver Reduction diet. So far... its ok. But I think 2 weeks of this will be way too long. But I don't have a choice. So I am going to make the most of it. No going to the grocery store until this is over! I think its a good test for the mind. For a lot of my life I have surrounded myself with food. But now - I am going to get a new hobby... actually going to live life! Go figure.

Haven't done that bad today - 3 shakes, 1 pudding cup (sugar free of course!), and 1/2 cup of jello! Gotta get my water intake in more. Slacking on that. And I will top today off with a lovely sugar free popcicle! We will see how I do tomorrow.

One of my goals for this surgery weight loss thingy... get back on my skates and show you all how it's really done! Not only to be healthy - but to finish what I started almost 20 years ago!

Pain

Is it something I ate... is it stress... am i stressing about stress... am i worrying too much. Off today because my stomach is in knots - or something. I haven't felt this way since I had my gall bladder attack. Hopefully it will run its course... soon!

I have no energy right now - most likely because i haven't been able to eat anything in 2 days! So much for eating everything I want before I start my liver reduction diet for the surgery. Could it be a sign!

Sugar Overload

Ok, so the idea to just gorge myself before I make a life changing choice wasn't the smartest idea. Not feeling the greatest after a hugh thing of mint chip ice cream. To celebrate summer we go to the ice cream shop (one of my favorite things of summer) and I get a sugar overload.

Taking a little bit easier today. I have no energy right now - drinking my water and finally thought I would try and eat a little something. Hopefully the banana will help. Home alone for the next couple hours. Probably going to try and get a little bit of a nap in while the kids are away.

On a different note - fans make a world of difference. So thinking we have a/c in the house turns out to be a bust and we couldn't take it anymore. Went and got 2 fans... and for the first time since we have been here - we actually got a breeze going through the house. I know - that's the highlight of the day.

Baby Steps

I am learning to find myself. I am taking the steps to work on being Becky again. I was told it's time to be a little selfish now... so I am taking the baby steps towards it.

4 Days left to eat whatever I want until I make a major life change. I have been pretty quiet about the surgery I am going under, but I feel I can be honest here. I am scared, but I know this is something I want to do now. It will change my life - and I hope those who love me will continue to stand by me.